Neurodiversity Celebration Week

This week is Neurodiversity Celebration Week.  I didn’t know it was a ‘thing’ until this week.

Neuroimaging studies have shown structural alterations in several brain regions in children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – The Lancet.  Hence the condition being a neurodivergence – a brain being physically divergent from the ‘norm’.  It’s genetic, from birth and there will often be a strong familial link.  (There are also studies I believe around brain trauma also being able to cause ADHD but this is not what I am going to be delving into!)

I am coming up to 3 years as a diagnosed ADHD-er.  Whilst that doesn’t change nearly 44 years of ‘my brain’, it has helped me understand why I have certain strengths and weaknesses.

I am massively creative, I have had a million hobbies; I have made jewellery, shoes, cosmetics, candles, I crochet and I propagate houseplants…(that’s a drop in the ocean but I’ve forgotten half of them!) I have a good critical eye and I know when things look good.  I used to think that as a Taurus that I had to have things ‘just so’ – I could spot a wonky picture on a wall at 30 paces and the need to correct these small thing is strong, perfectionism at its worst some might think.  But I also know when creating digital work that images need to be nudged just a bit, or if a colour combination isn’t quite right.

I resist anything that feels like a demand, especially if that demand seems arbitrary (I need to know why… rules), even if the demand comes from within – Pathological Demand Avoidance.  However this means that when presented with something I don’t want to do because it seems arbitrary it makes me question it, which in turn can lead to new solutions, more effective processes and updating policies.  “Because it’s always been done this way” simply doesn’t wash with me…

Justice Sensitivity – the perception of wrong doing, especially the poor treatment of others, is unbearable,  which leads me to seek justice and be an ally to those who are not blessed with the same privileges as I am.  I am the Unison Branch Womens’ Officer and a menopause mentor at work.

I have unconventional thinking patterns, I have heard somewhere (don’t ask me where), that the ADHD brain process 4x faster than a neurotypical brain, which means we process a whole heap of information fast, not that I am likening my brain to a super computer as sometimes the chosen information is the lyrics to ‘spidey and his amazing friends’ and ‘hotwheels lets race’ because they are both created by Fallout Boy’s Patrick Stump and my 8 year old has taken to signing them in the shower… But I can get to the end conclusion of problem fast, just don’t expect me to be able to ‘show my workings’.  On the flip side, if it doesn’t interest me then my brain just won’t play.  I know, it’s a shame my brain didn’t pick maths, or something a little more academic…. I can’t choose the hyperfocus.

‘Spidey sense’ – As I have spent my whole life being hyper-vigilant, constantly monitoring my environment for micro indicators, changes in mood, body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. This is probably and anxiety response from years of masking, and having a hyperactive brain.  However combined with other things, means I am a real pain in the backside to watch murder mysteries with… I know ‘whodunnit’ and I won’t shut-up.

Rejection Sensitivity, which is either a symptom of the spidey sense or the cause of it – I’m never quite sure.  Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria – literally means I feel pain with rejection, even perceived rejection where there was never any real rejection, your tone changes, you hate me, your body languages changes, you hate me, you don’t respond to my email, I’ve done something wrong, I walk in to a room and no one says ‘hi’ everyone hates me… Get the gist… Logically we know that’s not the case so this is where the masking comes in – and the constant internal dialogue.   I am literally treading on eggshells around everybody.

Hyper-focus – high levels of productivity when I am “into” things – I can do 40 hours of amazing work in 4… The reverse of the curse, of course, is the terrible procrastination – it’s not just procrastination, it’s executive dysfunction, an inability to start, anything, and it can be crippling.

I work extremely well under pressure, I am a superhero in a crisis, adrenaline and *dopamine are close relatives, I suppose this means I should be chased to work by a bear daily… But that is unsustainable… And unlikely in rural-ish Essex.  It is also why ADHD kids can be prone to excessive risk taking, the payoff in adrenaline and dopamine when you don’t die leaping over rooftops is worth it.

I have a strong sense of empathy and desire to build rapport, relationships, to collaborate and create inclusive environments.  I know how it feels to be excluded and the thought of anyone else feeling that makes me want to work towards avoiding leaving anyone out.  This can often result in me telling you a similar life experience when you are telling me yours, it’s not to ‘make it about me’  it’s a natural thing we do – we mirror – storytelling and listening is a two-way process.  I know there is some that will say you should just listen, but I always have a strong desire to connect and offer solutions.  I am working on trying to ask people if they want me to offer solutions or just listen… But I feel your pain acutely and I want to help. (Some also refer to trauma-bonding… Usually ends up with much hilarity with other ND folk… Honestly)

Sensory stuff, it’s too hot, my clothes feel weird and it’s too noisy, you ask me a question about the kid’s PE kit and I lose my s***.   It’s a more severe version of turning down the radio in the car to see where I’m going.  Noise cancelling earphones and binaural beats or some sort of ADHD focus music, usually the same ones, is a life saver for me.  This is because the brain likes familiarity, it starts to recognise the music and can get into the heightened state of focus quicker the more frequently you listen to it.  Listening to music you enjoy also increases dopamine, this increases task performance ability in the ADHD brain, but, beware once you’re ‘done’ with a song – you’ve sucked all the dopamine out of it, you might not want to ever listen to it again.

Same thing happens with your dopamine food – beware… You know the search for the right crunch, or the right taste…. IYKYK

Talking of food – dopamine comes from eating things we like, there some really interesting stuff coming out about the links between ADHD and binge eating disorders (BED) –  Sugar and carbs deliver a dopamine hit along with excess calories.

There are more ‘ADHD-quirks’ I am sure! These have led to a lifetime of masking or coping mechanisms, this leads to burnout, meltdowns and mental health issues.  I’ve had anxiety as long as I can remember, bouts of crippling depression, I’ve spent thousands on counselling and therapy, hypnotherapy, coaching, self-help books, I’ve tried Buddhism and meditation, mindfulness and sport, diets and fads galore, weightloss surgery, and I am on a ridiculously long waiting list to see if ADHD medication will work, at nearly 44.  I have been un medicated (SSRIs) since 2019 and I don’t want just start taking them again, the side effects are horrendous, and they are just a sticking plaster for a bigger deeper issue.

Then there’s peri-menopause and having young kids… There is now a lot more discussion about how hormones impact women with ADHD… It’s startling.

There is not a lot to celebrate to being neurodivergent – not when waiting lists are so long they cause more damage.  It is not a ‘superpower’ although I understand that some may have a need to change the narrative of their neurodivergence for good.

After nearly 44 years, I don’t feel comfortable identifying as disabled although under the Equality Act 2010 I am perfectly within my rights to do so.

This has been the unknown elephant in my brain for my whole life, so now it’s being spoken about.  It might make people uncomfortable but take a day in my brain and you’ll soon know discomfort.

Nothing about this world from the education system to employment caters for the neurodivergent brain; arbitrary rules in school and the demands to achieve in a categorically dull curriculum to the working day not being fit for the ADHD circadian rhythm.

It might seem like the trendy new thing; adult diagnosis for ADHD and even Autism (especially in the AFAB and cis female brains), but it’s not a new thing, it’s simply identifying so we can access help that we have gone without for so long.

Also in closing, ADHD – Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder – what a shit name for it!

And I forgot…imposter syndrome… for another time…

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*Dopamine is a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that is responsible for transmitting signals between nerve cells in the brain, as well as other functions. In this way, it directly affects our brain’s reward and pleasure centres, which in turn affects our mood.

From <https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/what-dopamine-diet>

Tomorrow she turns two…

I am not ready for my baby to be 2…

She always was my final baby, but soon to be a ‘baby’ no more. She started standing and walking before she was 1, so really she’s been a toddler for a long time already.

She is a whirlwind, this final baby of mine. She has never slept in her cot, and has once, once… settled herself to sleep without boobs in the last 2 years. She starts every night snuggled up to me, and I attempt to get her onto her mattress for the duration… inevitably she ends up back in my arms at least once in the night.

So unlike my first, who took to her cot at 6 months in her own room, without too much drama. My first who decided on her own terms that she was done with boobs at 13 months versus my last who still feeds at night, no doubt for comfort alone… yet won’t cuddle unless half asleep.

Both girls, both parented the same, so completely different.

#thisistwo

Woah…object permanence issues strike again…

I keep forgetting this blog exists.

It’s been over 18 months I think. I don’t think anyone actually reads it. But I used to find it quite cathartic.

So where do I re-start…

Presenting our Rainbow…

So, 14 weeks ago she arrived! I’ll spare you the gories.

The last almost 4 months have been a challenge; this one isn’t a sleeper.

It’s amazing how much of an opposite she is to her big sister, it’s exciting!

When she arrived I do feel it marked the end of our struggles to get her here. Not to say that the last 2 years and 9 months have miraculously been forgotten, they’ve not, and we’ll always remember and grieve.

This weekend our Nina Isabella may well have been turning two. I don’t really believe in the ‘everything happens for a reason’ thing, but without the experiences we’ve had then we wouldn’t have met our Rainbow Ruby.

Sooo… WE ARE PREGNANT…

Actually we are quite pregnant now; 22 weeks and 4 days.  We waited until the anomaly scan was done and so far so good…

You may recall the problems we were having:

Curiouser and curiouser…

When things don’t go to plan…Lost babies, TFMR, miscarriage, missed miscarriage…

So how did we achieve this little miracle this time? Well the consultant advised we start the progesterone, and blood thinners at 3 days post ovulation rather than from the first positive pregnancy test, she wrote to my GP for them to support the protocol and they did!

It took two cycles.

You wouldn’t believe the stressful time we have been having, pregnancy after loss is an emotional mine field.

Our first scan was at 6 ish weeks where we saw nothing more than gestational sack, but this time there was something in it, I ugly cried for joy! Back again at 9 weeks and clearly saw a heartbeat, then the 12-week scan and all was as it should be.  Then there were all the bloods, results showed low risk for Downs, Edwards and Patau’s syndrome, we lost our first to Noonans but this time none of the markers were there so we decided not to take further tests, neither of us are carriers thankfully.  

Despite all the AMAZING news the anxiety between appointments was unbearable at times and it took a long time for us to believe that this time we might be bringing a baby home.

The nausea in the first trimester was horrific, and when it subsided I was certain that the loss of symptoms was a bad omen, I was sick the whole time with our little girl, even in labour!

After the 12 week scan I was advised that I stop all the medication, again I was certain that this intervention was the only thing that kept us pregnant so I was terrified that stopping the meds would result in another loss.  I also had my second covid jab (not anti in anyway) and any change I was sure was a sign that this pregnancy would end as the last 4 had, in heartbreak.

I booked a 14 week private scan for me more than anything, and everything was OK.  I couldn’t believe it but there it was wiggling away.  The wait from that to the 20 week anomaly scan was horrific, but they don’t do additional scans for ‘maternal anxiety’….

So at nearly 21 weeks we went off to the hospital for the anomaly scan.  Apart from baby deciding that they really didn’t want to show the sonographer their face, with a bit of wiggling and a wee we got the images down, a wholly successful scan.

It’s a girl.

Now, we know that we are not there yet, and the anxiety daily is not really subsiding, but each day now I can feel her wiggles depending on her position and it’s a feeling I will never tire of (well until later when it’s fanny daggers and lungs).

We have told out little girl and she’s excited to have a little sister, she never knew about the ones that came before (she will when she’s older).  We’ve told family and work, and friends.  I have to fight the demon in my mind of ‘what if’ but we needed to tell people (apart from it was getting visually obvious!), we needed to start to feel excitement and joy, and to begin to celebrate.

What will be will be and all going well we will have our dreams come true in January.

Book review: Anna by Sammy H. K. Smith

A modern dystopian ‘sleeping with the enemy’ meets ‘the handmaid’s tale’

Anna by Sammy H.K. Smith

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Firstly I will try not to include ‘spoilers’ but I will start with a trigger warning, this book deals with R**e, physical and emotional abuse and torture.

I found it equally terrifying and elating, personally reading about dystopian ‘worlds’ that are becoming ever closer to the realities we see every day in life; the destruction of communities, the abuse of power and the uprising that results terrifies me. With a pandemic sweeping the globe as an example of a prime creation story for a dystopian world it feels ever closer. Too close to home.

I feel that there are three very clear parts to this story, in the first there’s the ‘birth’ of Anna, she recreates herself to cope with the horrors she endures, and it’s self-preservation. I love the fact that she isn’t lost to herself in creating her armour. There are scenes of r**e and sexual assault, but the scenes are not for titillation and are not gratuitous, Smith doesn’t go for the distasteful repeats either, you know what’s happening and it needs little narration. You feel the rage and despair in what she writes and you don’t need graphic details.

The second part you would think by the story that unfolds that things are ‘going well’ however I can tell you from the outset you are filled with that anxious knot that something isn’t quite right, all is not as it seems and it’s being held by a very thin thread.

The third and final part your fears are very much confirmed. You are then bombarded with the reality that abusers hide in plain sight.

You are taken on an emotional rollercoaster throughout the book, as I paused in separate sections I found myself thinking about the story during the day, wondering if my thoughts about where the story would take me would be confirmed. I also found that I was not surprised that I didn’t will Anna to behave differently, to fight more, which would have obviously increased her risk. I did find that I wondered if my male counterparts reading the book had the same thoughts, did they understand the natural mechanisms that women have for self-preservation, did they think it weakness rather than necessity? It also made me think about if we were driven in to a dystopian society how would men advocate for women, how would women be protected, I mean we are in a world currently where every woman knows another who has been r**ed, if you asked a man if he knew a r**ist he’d declare that he didn’t. Where are these men and what happens when laws and enforcement are removed?

If you remove the fiction of the world in which she finds herself you are left with the reality that many women find themselves in today, and often without the ending. Horrifying, hard hitting and brave.




View all my reviews

A turning point?

So today was an interesting day. Today, one week short of my 41st birthday I have been diagnosed with ADHD.

It’s a lot to unpack mentally.

It’s taken a few years from thinking I might have ADHD, many arguments with myself. To finally pulling on my big girl pants and asking the GP… to having my assessment this morning.

So there you have it #iamadhd

So what now?

I’m feeling like a turtle, I’m so overwhelmed with work, and so overwhelmed with the house, chores, trying to keep fit and healthy, parenting, life. I just want to pull my head into my shell and avoid life. So what am I doing… I’m sat doing nothing… Internally throwing a panic attack at the state of the room in sat in. Unable to think straight.

Today I was so burnt out I ended up with a massive headache and had to lie down on the sofa for 45 minutes. I managed to perk up and get some work done before teatime.

I have my ADHD assessment on Tuesday, I am swinging between adamant that I have it to feeling like a total attention seeking hypochondriac … Having total anxiety about Tuesday, what if I miss something, what if they don’t believe me, what if I really don’t have it. If I don’t them what the actual fuck is up with my brain, with me, for as long as I can remember. Surely regular people do t feel like I do? Certainly don’t think they do, if they so then is it a big conspiracy to not tell me?

I’m also on an early progesterone protocol each cycle 3 days post ovulation so that’s fun… Because hormones are cunts.

Then there’s the fat… I’m ignoring the scales. It’s the only way I can cope right now.

Recipe: Wedges & Sausages (One pot)

This Ninja Foodi malarki is a bit of a revelation. Tonight I am making that classic Saturday night dinner of sausage, wedges, eggs and beans. We had no chips left. So Sausage and wedges.

1. Cut some potatoes into wedges…

2. Put them in the crisper basket with 300ml (a big mug) of boiling water in the pot. Add the wedges and pressurecook for one minute.

3. Vent the valve.

4. Remove the wedges and add a little oil and season (I used rosemary, salt and pepper), mix/coat the wedges well.

5. Add them to the pot.

6. Layer the sausages on the racks and lower into the pot to avoid mushing too many wedges. We use chicken or low fat sausages so they don’t drop on the wedges… Plus yanno healthier…

7. Aircrisp for 25 minutes, checking towards the end for burning. I set mine on 180 for 25 minutes. Add time if you need to. Especially each time you open it to check…

8. Keep warm by not opening the lid while you make eggs and zap baked beans…

I’m gonna make cake in it tomorrow…

Recipe: Bone Broth

So I’ve invested in a new kitchen toy… the Ninja Foodi Max… it’s a bloody BEAST… I think I’m in love.

Ok, so I’ve been making bone broths for years but didn’t really understand how trendy they’ve become. I just saw it as a way of using everything. Sorry vegetarians and vegans this one is definitely not for you.

I do however always try to buy free range, organic if I can afford it, or local, sustainably and ethically raised meat. Not always. But I try.

I make bone broth almost weekly with a roast chicken carcass. My Mum always used to pick the bones then boil it for ages on the Aga, then. Pick the bones again, using the liquid and meat for a mean chicken soup. So it’s something I’ve kinda always done.

But now there’s a massive lean towards bone broths!

Here’s some info.

Basically, it’s good for you!!

So here’s how!

1. Cook and eat a meal with some bony meaty goodness.
2. Strip all the meat off the bones.
3. Add bones and filtered water (just enough to cover bones) to a slow cooker or equivalent.
4. Add a splash of apple cider vinegar (helps break it all down).
5. Cook on low for 12 hours.
6. Cool.
7. Strain (squeeze all the juice out).
8. Let the stock stand and separate off the fat.
9. Store in a jar in the fridge until you next want gravy or a soup base. Some even drink it on its own.
10. You can also keep the fat for roast potatoes! (Aghast, fats!!)

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Now you can strip all the meaty bits and add to a soup. Throw out all the bones, skin, gristle etc. (Do not feed any cooked bones to domestic or wild animals… Bin it).

If it’s really good it’ll set like jelly.

Enjoy!