Curiouser and curiouser…

Trigger warning: women’s stuff

I kind of want to get all this written down before I have an appointment this afternoon with a private gynaecology consultant in relation to the recurrent miscarriages we’ve been having.

I’ve been doing some research … Uh-oh yes Google…

As I have spent the best part of my adult life trying not to get pregnant I have very little information to go on my natural cycle. I’ve always known that my cycle has always been longer than the normal 28 days averaging about 32 days I’ve never really known why and I’ve always been told that it’s normal…

However since I have been tracking my cycles I have now discovered that I get a slight peak of luteinising hormone around day 14 and then a strong peak on days 19 or 20 and assuming ovulation on Day 21 or 22. Then within 10 days my cycle starts. Meaning that I have a shorter than regular luteal phase.

Now I wanted to get this written down because I want to see if the consultant agrees with me later. (To basically see if I’m right!)

I think that I might have an issue with my follicle stimulating hormone known as FSH which tries to make me ovulate mid-cycle as per normal it doesn’t quite achieve this, but then goes on to have successful ovulation later in my cycle. Secondly this means that I have a very short luteal phase now the luteal phase is what makes the lining of the uterus nice and comfy and cosy to support a successful pregnancy, and I don’t think my luteal phase is long enough to do this. The treatment for this is progesterone 3 days after ovulation, the NHS won’t support this having agreed to only giving me progesterone from a first positive pregnancy test, and by that time it’s pretty much too late. The NHS works on evidence-based medicine only they have said that they won’t support the early use of progesterone.

The treatment for low FSH I believe is an FSH stimulant called clomid so we’ll see what she says later.

It’s all interesting stuff and certainly something that you never think about until you have to. Not only that but I have also read that prolonged use of hormonal contraceptives can do this kind of thing to you so there there’s something to consider…. If only someone knew this shit and gave the correct advice…. When it mattered.

ADHD and women….

My last blog piece took a lot, and still does as it is the reality I am living right now, so it’s expected I guess that I have fallen into a bit of a lull or writer’s block since publishing it – but it felt good to get it out! Out from rattling about in my brain and expelled into the void.

This made me think about what else is rattling around in my brain at the moment.

Overwhelmingly these days it’s the ongoing chatter in my head about ADHD and women, or more so, ADHD and me. 

I am waiting for an assessment to see if I have ADHD.

It’s been on my mind a number of years to be honest.

Let’s look at what ADHD is; Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is commonly (and described by the NHS as) a condition that affects people’s behaviour. People with ADHD can seem restless, may have trouble concentrating and may act on impulse.

Usually noticed at an early age, pre-puberty.

Again the NHS states that although the cause is unknown that it has been shown to run in families (first tick – My brother has it, was diagnosed early, typical presentation, I am also fairly certain that from family descriptions that my Uncle had it, he passed away some years ago), I actually think my Mother has some traits but less on that…

The NHS also states:

“Research has also identified a number of possible differences in the brains of people with ADHD when compared with those without the condition.

Other factors suggested as potentially having a role in ADHD include:”

• being born prematurely (before the 37th week of pregnancy) – Tick
• having a low birthweight -Tick
• smoking or alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy – Tick (Mother was a smoker, it was the 70’s/80’s)

So that’s the surface scratched.

What they don’t tell you is that it presents VERY differently in women and girls.

Whilst boys may be physically hyperactive, defiant, ‘badly behaved’ and therefore easier to spot and diagnose, girls symptoms manifest very differently and have been viewed as personality traits, leading to diagnosis being overlooked.

Article from verywellmind.com

Now whilst those that know and have known me over the years wouldn’t attribute shyness to me, those that know me well will also know that I have terrible social anxiety (in fact ALL the anxiety). However a great deal of time spent in my younger days of being the gregarious life and soul of the party I was rarely without a few drinks in before everyone else.

You might be more familiar with this description “verbally impulsive, interrupting others, talking excessively, or changing topics again and again during conversations. She might blurt out words without thinking about their impact on others.

“But this girl may also be overly sensitive. Some girls are described as overemotional and easily excitable.”

Research shows that girls with ADHD, especially those who’ve gone undiagnosed, suffer from low self-esteem.  Then there’s the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and the impulse control, the eating disorder (that would be the impulse control issue and on a dopamine hunt!).

“The Link Between ADHD and Overeating

Those who live by impulse eat by impulse. Eating compulsively is a main cause of obesity in many adults with ADHD. I have found that the condition is five times more prevalent among over-eaters than in the general population. Just as adults with ADHD may struggle to understand what someone is saying, they have difficulty interpreting what their bodies are telling them. They mistake feeling upset (or bored) for feeling hungry and many reach for food to combat boredom.”

ADHD and obesity

ADHD Linked to Eating Disorders

I could delve into all the issues and symptoms that have over the years led me to believe that I have ADHD… there is a broad spectrum, and I am no means crippled by it.  I have always felt like a square peg with nothing but round holes around me, I just don’t fit, and I never have. 

How to help girls with ADHD

What is adult ADHD

Signs and symptoms of adult ADHD

Through this voyage of discovery (cliché) I have found that there are a number of other women (I guess we aint girls no more ladies!) who have been diagnosed in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, there are a raft of ‘forgotten women’ who are my age that should have been diagnosed in the 80’s and 90’s but perhaps were just labelled ‘difficult, or ‘obtuse’ and we just couldn’t find our space to just be.

Now this isn’t to say I have ADHD officially, I am on a loooong waiting list, and I wonder day-to-day if I really am – if I am having a good day perhaps, am I being a hypochondriac attention seeker – I know someone would call me that at least, am I just a product of a challenging emotional past? But then I flip and wonder if that is just the imposter syndrome in me… the power of that one is STRONG and definitely from the dark side!

The more and more I looked – it just ALL FUCKING FITS (but then does it…. ?? Ooh that naughty dark side!)

I shall leave you with this video (Facebook)

I mean I literally have been reading hundreds of articles, the ones I have grabbed for this were literally one click google searches.

We shall see – maybe #iamadhd and maybe I’m not

On this International Women’s Day I thought that this might be a good insight, and perhaps open some minds as to the differences in male and female ADHD and the difference in the care they receive because of stereotypes.  Not all ADHD is batchitcraycray.

When things don’t go to plan…Lost babies, TFMR, miscarriage, missed miscarriage…

Imagine some inspirational bullshit quote about life giving you lemons if you want…

Trigger/content warnings

So I suppose I need to post some trigger and content warnings about this one. In this installment I am going to be talking about the last couple of years and those include babyloss; Termination for medical reasons, miscarriages and a missed miscarriage, and procedures associated with those.

This is not a pity piece, I have found solace in other people’s stories, comforts in a ‘community’ that I never knew existed. I hope that maybe someone might find something of use in our journey. I have tried to remain factual, our emotions, well if you’ve been through any of this you’ll know, if you’ve not I’m not sure I can ever put into words so that you would understand, not that I’m trying to be unkind, it is what it is.

I will give details of places that have helped us at the end, as well as some social media accounts I wouldn’t be without, plus some books, podcasts… Anything really that has got me though the darkness.

The sunshine before the storm…

We have a five year old. We’ve made no secret of the fact she was a complete surprise. I had an IUD in situ, I was recovering from fairly major stomach surgery only 12 weeks prior. So the fatigue, nausea, and vomiting was not obviously pregnancy… she was a reasonably uncomplicated event… and she has blessed us every day since.

(by the way when commiserating about babyloss never say “at least you have one….” In fact NEVER start any sentence with “at least…”)

We had planned to add to our family starting 2017, however my gallbladder broke, I needed surgery, and recovery time. So we ended up starting this chapter of our lives in 2019.

Nina Isabella… One.

Firstly it took us a little while to catch, mainly because after basically my whole life being told that women ovulte mid cycle, day 14…we dont. Once I started tracking it was clear like clockwork ovulation was day 20-22, more on this later as it should have been a flag to my doctors…

Every month I prayed to whatever gods were listening for her, when she appeared with those little blue lines I prayed every day to any listening gods that she was healthy.  I could feel her little flutters (from nine weeks) and felt every symptom for weeks.

On the 4th November on seeing her little form, fingers, flickering heartbeat, hearing that sound of life, we were to discover she was not meant for this world. She had a severe cystic hygroma, an indication of genetic abnormality and unlikely to make it to full term, in fact very likely to miscarry but with no indication when. We made the best worst decision and we lost her on the 7th November 2019. It would have been our 13th week. It’s called a Termination for medical reasons, and is totally different to a spontaneous miscarriage. I had a hemorrhage due to retained membrane or ‘products’ as they call it and needed to stay in the hospital for the night. We were later to discover that she was affected by Noonan syndrome, neither of us are carriers so it was a very unlucky generic mishap which occurred for the very first time with her. With only a 1% likelihood of reoccurence. Yes, we found out she was a baby girl and we named her, we had a small service and cremation for her on 9th of December 2019. I am very grateful we got that opportunity.

Because she was a TFMR, we were referred for genetic karyotyping, blood tests and we had a post mortem and had her genetics tested which gave us the answerers already mentioned.

There was also counseling with Petals, an amazing charity (more details later). Doctors, consultants etc. Just unlucky they all assured us, “try again” they said.

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Two..

Then in spring those two lines appeared again, cautiously optimistic I booked in with the midwife, but before we got to our first appointment it was all over. In the midst of a global pandemic. There was pain, excruciating physical pain, I knew something wasn’t right so I called 111 and was advised to go to A&E, alone, and as we couldn’t get anyone to watch our daughter, my partner had to stay at home with her while I drove myself the half an hour to a & e. I was seen quickly, and booked in for a scan the next day. By that time our baby was gone. Blood tests and two more visits to the early pregnancy unit alone confirmed our loss. ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ comes on the radio on my way home from the hospital…the irony isn’t lost on me…

That was April, the month of my 40th birthday, we didn’t do much celebrating, and I was actually grateful for the pandemic so I didn’t have to see anyone.

Three.

Those two lines appeared again a few months later and we thought surely this time, we can’t be that unlucky can we? Is life really that unfair? This has to be the one…

Sadly the bleeding started at about the same stage of our pregnancy, I called the early pregnancy unit for a scan but miscarried the day before the scan.  The same scans as before confirmed our third loss in less than 12 months and my second alone because of the pandemic. That was August just as our daughter started school.

We were then referred to the recurrent miscarriage team, we wouldn’t get a telephone call from them until January. Given our age and the likelihood of suffering another loss in 5 months I arranged for a private consultation.  All our tests have come back normal, ALL of them…

It was advised that next time we fell pregnant to take a number of preventative measures, namely progesterone, steroids and blood thinners.

Four.

We thought we’d give it a break, try to recover physically and mentally, but shortly afterwards those telltale lines appeared unexpectedly this time. I diligently did as advised, we made all the appointments, pleased to pass the point where we lost our last two pregnancies.  The doctor pushed for an early scan at 6 weeks but it took two weeks to get seen and at 8-9 (ish) weeks I made the familiar journey, on my own to the early pregnancy unit. Feeling fully pregnant, as I had for a number of weeks.

In that same room where the last two miscarriages were confirmed, alone, in that familiar vulnerable position. I hear the words “I’m sorry it’s not good news….” I felt like I’d been punched in the chest. This time I had to call my partner and give him news we weren’t expecting …

This time we’d had a missed miscarriage, unknown at what point in the last 2 months. The gestational sac completely empty. Again I was ushered into the side room, the one where they discuss the death of your babies.

The young girl, tells me she’s sorry and I need to come back for another scan, a second opinion “in case” I have my dates wrong – I don’t, I wanted to punch her. I had to wait 10 days. I think at least the baby is already gone, I’m not carrying a dead baby. But I still feel pregnant, I’m sick, I’m exhausted, I’m sore. I still have to pass the ‘products of conception’ … I ask her should I cease my medication, she tells me it’s my decision.

The second scan confirms the diagnosis and that the pregnancy ended in the 6th week, about the same time as the previous two. A week later I’m booked in at the hospital for a manual vacuum aspiration (MVA), the single most painful procedure I’ve had to endure but over so quickly. All alone. They sent what they remove to be tested, I suspect that the progesterone masked the miscarriage. This was December. Our second Christmas grieving a loss.

What they don’t tell you is that HCG; the pregnancy hormone, and other hormones remain active in your system for days and sometimes weeks after the pregnancy has ended, you can still get positive pregnancy tests for maybe 3-4 weeks (longer if there are problems), I still felt fully pregnant, in every way. Thankfully the hospital gave me anti sickness meds and I think I will forever remember the cheese and crackers and cup of tea that was brought to me after my MVA.

So, what’s the deal?

We’re 41 next birthdays, both non-smokers, both not really drinkers, reasonably healthy, yes I’m overweight, but 4 baby losses and a global pandemic have that effect, I have gained half a stone with each loss. People in larger bodies have many successful pregnancies.

I ovulate like clockwork… I was totally convinced after our first loss that it was egg quality, but having had the results from the last loss show no genetic abnormalities I’m not sure now. I have done a lot of reading. As you can imagine Dr Google has been a friend and a foe. I will list some of the books that I have read and the resources I have used at the end.

I said earlier having a a long cycle and ovulating around day 22 each time hasn’t until now flagged up that there might be a luteal phase problem, the luteal phase being the time between ovulation and your menstrual period. This phase ideally should be maybe 12 to 14 days to enable the lining of the uterus to thicken sufficiently to maintain a pregnancy. Short luteal phases are linked to early pregnancy loss but it’s taken us 3 losses to discover this and not once has it been mentioned by medical professional! My luteal phase is 10 days. The treatment apparently is progesterone from 3 days after ovulation a treatment which the NHS will not support because it’s not evidence based although it can do no harm. The NHS will support progesterone from a positive pregnancy test however we did this last time and still miscarried.

My doctor although sympathetic can do no more, the recurrent miscarriage team at the hospital can do no more, the fetal medicine department to which we have been referred can do nothing until we’ve had a successful first scan. I’ve been asked to be referred to the Tommy’s clinic which it’s the time of writing this is closed due to the pandemic and once reopens has a minimum 6-month waiting list. Which would not be a problem if we were 10 years younger. Our other option is to go private which has a high cost involved. We have to weigh up the desire to extend our family against the ability to afford it.

Lack of ability to access care has led me on many occasion to want to scream into the void in sheer frustration, not being able to access any help it seems from anywhere is just mind-boggling. It feels really barbaric to leave us trying again and again and again resulting in more more losses but that’s basically where we are.

As a direct result of this I am now fully medicated for my mental health again the anxiety and depression got too much to bear, no stigma, no judgement, no guilt, it is what it is and I know the brighter times are ahead some of us just need a bit of chemical help.

What people don’t realise with baby loss is the triggers for the grief are endless; it doesn’t end when the physical symptoms do. Literally every memory and milestone of the last two years is attached to pregnancy and miscarriage; birthdays, Christmas, concerts, anniversaries, mother’s day, father’s day, our daughter starting school, our last family holiday. Then there are the anniversaries; due dates, miscarriage dates, procedure dates. Other family babies arriving, pregnancy announcements, the comments, questions… Each like a punch to the gut and triggering such ugly feelings. Which of course are completely normal.

I’ve left out the gory details, I’ve left out the emotional trauma, these things that we’ve lived through and so far survived are best left unsaid for now, I’m not ashamed to speak of them but this is not the time or the place, I’m not sure but they would really help you; if you’re experiencing them yourself you know what I’m talking about and you have my love and empathy, if you haven’t then it’s not for me to tell you and I hope you never endure any of this.

If you want to ask me questions I will answer them truthfully.

So as time runs out we haven’t given up I feel reasonably positive that will get our rainbow baby. But how many more times can I put my mind and body through this trauma? The ‘babyloss community’ have been vital to me during these times an when I have felt the need to step away I have been able to do so. Counselling with Petals has got me through the worst times and I would recommend seeking them out if you are struggling following a babyloss.

Resources

Social Media – many have different channels but I have linked only to instagram or facebook here.

• Fat positive fertility
• The fertility detective
• The worst girl gang ever
• The miscarriage association
• Petals
• Tommy’s
• Forever young forest
• Dr Joshua wolwrich
• The fat doctor

Books

• Not broken
• It will happen
• It starts with the egg

Charities and Medical

• Miscarriage association
• Tommy’s
• Petals
• NHS

Girls night….

….when your five….

I can tell you it’s pretty wild, I baked apple muffins, she watched nothing but the miraculous ladybug… She has an aversion to watching anything she’s not seen before… I convinced her to watch Flora & Ulysses… That was a trauma…we got 45 minutes in before we changed over to Big Hero 6 and I went to run the bath…

I don’t know if it’s an age thing but I hope she gets over it soon, we’re all getting very bored of the same telly.

Another c25k run on Clara… think tomorrow might be a rest day. A day in the garden should suffice, and being hypermobile I risk injury being fat, forty and flexible… And unfit!

bon nuit

Where are we now?

So what’s the sit-rep?

I think since last blog post we’ve probably moved house, I’ve moved jobs – same employer, but finally after 20 years I am actually in a job that might actually use some of my long forgotten skills from my degree, never give up kids!

Our tiny new human is now a small person and she is bludy hilarious. The unhusband and I haven’t killed each other yet but he is laying a new patio soon… not sure who would need the alibi but if I start asking about anyone who can lay a patio for me then you can make your own mind up… (I AM JOKING OF COURSE)

Then there’s C***D19, which to be honest I actually have far more going on in my life to stress about than working from home since March 2020, having no money and trying to educate afore mentioned small person. It’s been hard and I am not a c**idiot.

I’ve gained a sickly 32lbs in the last two years … more on that later no doubt … the weightloss surgery wasn’t completely pointless as I dread to think where I would be without it but it’s hard. I run, on and off in between injuries, and I have now got a treadmill called ‘Long Distance Clara’ that I am trying to use daily.

I am back to being fully medicated for my mental health, no stigma, it is what it is, and maybe more on that at some point.

Have spent today off with the cub, we have had school zoom classes, well actually only one, as we were in the garden for the second one and she wasn’t actually complaining for once, so we sacked it off to carry on. Considering she’s spent a whole 5 minutes outside in the last fortnight I made a parental choice.

Now we are (the royal ‘We’ – I do all the work) going to make apple muffin things and have a girls evening eating popcorn while the unhusband is at work!

adieu

OOohh

I forgot I had this…. What to do with it….hmmm

Time flies when you’re …

It’s been EIGHTEEN MONTHS since my last blog, I’m not even sure I have anything insightful to share but we’re still here!

I’ve moved jobs, we’ve moved house to our ‘homeland’ of the Essex, Suffolk and Cambridgeshire boarders…

and… we’re potty training!

Was hospitalised in November with my gallbladder which is due to be evicted on June 11th.

Breastfeeding… let’s talk about boobs, baby!

So… in 11 days, on our baby’s first birthday we’ll have been breastfeeding a year… not without difficulties, especially at the beginning. Now, I am an advocate of breastfeeding … call me a #lactivist if you will, I don’t really care. I have spent the last year reeling off snippets of benefits when asked and to be honest I’ve not had the brain power to reply coherently sometimes… but this is what I’ve found out over the months. I’ve tried to back it up with background information as there is so much opinion and emotion on the subject. 

Benefits of breastfeeding;

Babycentre Article
Protects both you and your baby against a long list of diseases; stomach viruses, lower respiratory illnesses, ear infections, and meningitis occur in all babies and are often less severe for breastfed babies when they do happen. Your milk contains unique antibodies that you pass to your baby when either of you are poorly. They also keep you healthy by raising your immunity! 

-Better developed immunity.

-Less likely to develop allergies.

–Better cognitive development. 

–Encourages normal oral and facial development 

–Less likely to be obese in later life.

–May lower SIDS risk. 

-Lowers maternal stress and may reduce post natal depression. (It’s that oxytocin again!) 

-Oxytocin released while nursing also helps your uterus contract after birth, resulting in less postpartum bleeding.

-Oxytocin released in both mother and baby while nursing develops bonding. The love hormone! ❤️

-Oxytocin reduces blood pressure.

In fact just google the benefits of oxytocin, you’ll be amazed!

–Breastfeeding may reduce you’re chance of contracting some forms of cancer.

–Helps shift any unwanted baby weight, breastfeeding can burn up to 500kcal a day (figures may vary).

-convenient and free … no bottles, no formula …

First Family Holiday…

We made our way down on Saturday, the roads weren’t too bad, mainly because we tried to avoid the M5 as much as possible, we got ‘trapped’ at the Gordano Services for an hour and a half in the carpark because people are tossers, basically the people that were struggling to leave were blocking parking spaces from those who were trying to park, in the end, I got out the car and actually directed traffic so that we could park in order for me to change the baby! Dickheads!  We missed our lunchdate in Newton Abbott as a result.

We arrived after a trip to the shop for supplies.  Started to get set up, settled in and got dinner on the go.  Then just as I was getting the baby ready for bedtime, we’re sat on the floor and I’m holding her hands/forearms, and she flings herself in lightening speed off to one side, headfirst towards the floor.  The floor being hard wooden bare floor, so instinctively I don’t let go (and actually I am not sure the outcome would have been different if I had…).  She was inconsolable and we were sure she had bumped her head, however it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t her head, there was no mark, she couldn’t be calmed, when she did settle a little she would instantly start up again when we moved her right arm. I had broken our baby and I was devastated.  We quickly called 111 and they directed us to the nearest emergency department, and advised we give calpol.  I managed to get her off to sleep and we secured her in her carseat for her first trip to A&E.

So to cut a long and very upsetting story for our babygirl and us, we got there asap, were seen within an hour, she cried, I cried, they gave her pain killers and we were seen again to be advised that they had diagnosed ‘pulled elbow’, the treatment for which was a quick but painful manipulation and if all went ‘back into place’ then recovery would be very quick and complete.  Luckily they were right and after a few moments of discomfort and more tears all round, our babygirl was fixed and back to her smiley, waving chatting self.  After another drive through the mist down axe-murderer lanes we were back! Steve was amazing, calm, sensible… I was a mess… note to self; must not break the baby again… EVER… She is completely fine, and recovered in moments, lucky babies don’t hold grudges.  You have no idea how relieved we were, and she slept through the night after that too!

The next day; Sunday, started late as we struggled to shake off the trauma of the night before.  So we didn’t rush, we went for a stroll and fish & chips up at Torcross, and babygirl had her picnic on the beach, and the obligatory free range milk, her first beach visit, she loved it (I think) apart from her growing obsession with pulling her sunhat off, and no matter where I sat her or lay her to change her she always managed to end up with a fistful of sand/grit and decide that she’d quite like to eat it…..  We all had ice creams too!

Monday we made our way over to Dartmouth to catch the steamboat around the river which was lovely, and babygirl spent most of the trip charming the old biddies on the boat, until she got wiggly and annoyed that she needed a nap but wouldn’t give in!  More ice cream of course and a bottle of pink fizz when the baby went to bed!

Tuesday we went up to Dartmoor, Dartmeet, Two Bridges and Princetown for a picnic, a touch of nostalgia and a little wander, we didn’t go as far as we used to when I was younger as I only had babygirl in a buckled mei tai sling and they’re not structured for a back carry so I couldn’t really see my feet, and didn’t fancy another trip to A&E.

We then walked up Cox Tor; Steve, Dolly and I with the baby in the sling, needless to say I hit my fitbit steps target that day!

Wednesday was nanny’s birthday so we went to meet them at Brixham.  This involved lots of food and drink, a touch of tacky souvenir shopping and the boys all went on the golden hind pirate ship.

Thursday we met a couple of friends for lunch which was lovely and they treated us, which was totally unexpected but totally lovely, then we went to see the Hughes’ of Broadhempston … My Mum’s cousin’s family. Had a lovely BBQ, and the next generation of our families sat and growled at each other across the table, it was adorable. We also went to check out the house that they’re building.

Friday we met Steve’s family in Paignton after they had been to the waterpark, we decided that we were not going to go in; they wanted to charge £6 for the baby.  Even if we weren’t going to use the flumes they still wanted somethingnlike £14 per head, so it would have cost us £35 to sit in the sun, so we went to a nearby beach and met them for dinner afterwards.

Saturday was home time! We knew it would take a while and stopped a few times on the way.  The baby had to have breaks from the carseat and the roads were as expected.

It was a lovely week, I loved bumbling about together peacefully in the sunshine. Applied for babygirl’s passport when we returned.  Maybe we can do some more bumbling about in the sunshine ….

41 weeks on the inside … 41 weeks on the outside!

So, where are we now?  Babygirl is off to a flying start, she’s on the verge of so many milestones… well ok that’s code for being a lazy bum. No rolling as I write, but if the last post is anything to go by then by the time I publish it, she’ll be running!

She’s firmly into the weaning thing and becoming very wilful;  I get head shakes and definite refusal now. She’s started clapping, almost waving, she lifts her arms to be picked up.

She’s a shouty, giggly, wiggly bundle of love…with teeth…and usually a bit dribbly.

We’ve had a few restless nights due to teething, and it seems as though the small amount of routine that was emerging has reverted to her waking whenever she feels like it, it’s hit and miss as to what she wants; cuddles and reassurance or a feed. I’m happy we’re carrying on with breastfeeding.  We have introduced one bottle of formula a day (it takes me 3 days to express a feed and it’s too stressful, and stress affects milk supply too!) mid morning, in preparation for me returning to work in November so I can carry on feeding her in the morning, when I get home and bedtime, that is if she still wants to. I’ll carry on with night feeds too, if she still wants, I just hope she gets some routine back!

The wake ups that RUIN me are when she wakes me soon after I go to sleep, I can cope with a couple of wake ups, but sometimes we still get a ‘newborn night’ when she’s waking hourly…yeah…That’s fun…

I’m not looking forward to going back to work, not because of any work negativity but that I’ll miss my bean, I can’t believe I’ll cope with seeing her a handful of hours at most a day! I have to. Nursery will do her good, she’ll have friends, meet new people and learn new things. We’re starting to think about local nurseries, I’ve looked at one, the closest, I’m not sold.