This week is Neurodiversity Celebration Week. I didn’t know it was a ‘thing’ until this week.
Neuroimaging studies have shown structural alterations in several brain regions in children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – The Lancet. Hence the condition being a neurodivergence – a brain being physically divergent from the ‘norm’. It’s genetic, from birth and there will often be a strong familial link. (There are also studies I believe around brain trauma also being able to cause ADHD but this is not what I am going to be delving into!)
I am coming up to 3 years as a diagnosed ADHD-er. Whilst that doesn’t change nearly 44 years of ‘my brain’, it has helped me understand why I have certain strengths and weaknesses.
I am massively creative, I have had a million hobbies; I have made jewellery, shoes, cosmetics, candles, I crochet and I propagate houseplants…(that’s a drop in the ocean but I’ve forgotten half of them!) I have a good critical eye and I know when things look good. I used to think that as a Taurus that I had to have things ‘just so’ – I could spot a wonky picture on a wall at 30 paces and the need to correct these small thing is strong, perfectionism at its worst some might think. But I also know when creating digital work that images need to be nudged just a bit, or if a colour combination isn’t quite right.
I resist anything that feels like a demand, especially if that demand seems arbitrary (I need to know why… rules), even if the demand comes from within – Pathological Demand Avoidance. However this means that when presented with something I don’t want to do because it seems arbitrary it makes me question it, which in turn can lead to new solutions, more effective processes and updating policies. “Because it’s always been done this way” simply doesn’t wash with me…
Justice Sensitivity – the perception of wrong doing, especially the poor treatment of others, is unbearable, which leads me to seek justice and be an ally to those who are not blessed with the same privileges as I am. I am the Unison Branch Womens’ Officer and a menopause mentor at work.
I have unconventional thinking patterns, I have heard somewhere (don’t ask me where), that the ADHD brain process 4x faster than a neurotypical brain, which means we process a whole heap of information fast, not that I am likening my brain to a super computer as sometimes the chosen information is the lyrics to ‘spidey and his amazing friends’ and ‘hotwheels lets race’ because they are both created by Fallout Boy’s Patrick Stump and my 8 year old has taken to signing them in the shower… But I can get to the end conclusion of problem fast, just don’t expect me to be able to ‘show my workings’. On the flip side, if it doesn’t interest me then my brain just won’t play. I know, it’s a shame my brain didn’t pick maths, or something a little more academic…. I can’t choose the hyperfocus.
‘Spidey sense’ – As I have spent my whole life being hyper-vigilant, constantly monitoring my environment for micro indicators, changes in mood, body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. This is probably and anxiety response from years of masking, and having a hyperactive brain. However combined with other things, means I am a real pain in the backside to watch murder mysteries with… I know ‘whodunnit’ and I won’t shut-up.
Rejection Sensitivity, which is either a symptom of the spidey sense or the cause of it – I’m never quite sure. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria – literally means I feel pain with rejection, even perceived rejection where there was never any real rejection, your tone changes, you hate me, your body languages changes, you hate me, you don’t respond to my email, I’ve done something wrong, I walk in to a room and no one says ‘hi’ everyone hates me… Get the gist… Logically we know that’s not the case so this is where the masking comes in – and the constant internal dialogue. I am literally treading on eggshells around everybody.
Hyper-focus – high levels of productivity when I am “into” things – I can do 40 hours of amazing work in 4… The reverse of the curse, of course, is the terrible procrastination – it’s not just procrastination, it’s executive dysfunction, an inability to start, anything, and it can be crippling.
I work extremely well under pressure, I am a superhero in a crisis, adrenaline and *dopamine are close relatives, I suppose this means I should be chased to work by a bear daily… But that is unsustainable… And unlikely in rural-ish Essex. It is also why ADHD kids can be prone to excessive risk taking, the payoff in adrenaline and dopamine when you don’t die leaping over rooftops is worth it.
I have a strong sense of empathy and desire to build rapport, relationships, to collaborate and create inclusive environments. I know how it feels to be excluded and the thought of anyone else feeling that makes me want to work towards avoiding leaving anyone out. This can often result in me telling you a similar life experience when you are telling me yours, it’s not to ‘make it about me’ it’s a natural thing we do – we mirror – storytelling and listening is a two-way process. I know there is some that will say you should just listen, but I always have a strong desire to connect and offer solutions. I am working on trying to ask people if they want me to offer solutions or just listen… But I feel your pain acutely and I want to help. (Some also refer to trauma-bonding… Usually ends up with much hilarity with other ND folk… Honestly)
Sensory stuff, it’s too hot, my clothes feel weird and it’s too noisy, you ask me a question about the kid’s PE kit and I lose my s***. It’s a more severe version of turning down the radio in the car to see where I’m going. Noise cancelling earphones and binaural beats or some sort of ADHD focus music, usually the same ones, is a life saver for me. This is because the brain likes familiarity, it starts to recognise the music and can get into the heightened state of focus quicker the more frequently you listen to it. Listening to music you enjoy also increases dopamine, this increases task performance ability in the ADHD brain, but, beware once you’re ‘done’ with a song – you’ve sucked all the dopamine out of it, you might not want to ever listen to it again.
Same thing happens with your dopamine food – beware… You know the search for the right crunch, or the right taste…. IYKYK
Talking of food – dopamine comes from eating things we like, there some really interesting stuff coming out about the links between ADHD and binge eating disorders (BED) – Sugar and carbs deliver a dopamine hit along with excess calories.
There are more ‘ADHD-quirks’ I am sure! These have led to a lifetime of masking or coping mechanisms, this leads to burnout, meltdowns and mental health issues. I’ve had anxiety as long as I can remember, bouts of crippling depression, I’ve spent thousands on counselling and therapy, hypnotherapy, coaching, self-help books, I’ve tried Buddhism and meditation, mindfulness and sport, diets and fads galore, weightloss surgery, and I am on a ridiculously long waiting list to see if ADHD medication will work, at nearly 44. I have been un medicated (SSRIs) since 2019 and I don’t want just start taking them again, the side effects are horrendous, and they are just a sticking plaster for a bigger deeper issue.
Then there’s peri-menopause and having young kids… There is now a lot more discussion about how hormones impact women with ADHD… It’s startling.
There is not a lot to celebrate to being neurodivergent – not when waiting lists are so long they cause more damage. It is not a ‘superpower’ although I understand that some may have a need to change the narrative of their neurodivergence for good.
After nearly 44 years, I don’t feel comfortable identifying as disabled although under the Equality Act 2010 I am perfectly within my rights to do so.
This has been the unknown elephant in my brain for my whole life, so now it’s being spoken about. It might make people uncomfortable but take a day in my brain and you’ll soon know discomfort.
Nothing about this world from the education system to employment caters for the neurodivergent brain; arbitrary rules in school and the demands to achieve in a categorically dull curriculum to the working day not being fit for the ADHD circadian rhythm.
It might seem like the trendy new thing; adult diagnosis for ADHD and even Autism (especially in the AFAB and cis female brains), but it’s not a new thing, it’s simply identifying so we can access help that we have gone without for so long.
Also in closing, ADHD – Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder – what a shit name for it!
And I forgot…imposter syndrome… for another time…
*Dopamine is a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that is responsible for transmitting signals between nerve cells in the brain, as well as other functions. In this way, it directly affects our brain’s reward and pleasure centres, which in turn affects our mood.
From <https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/what-dopamine-diet>
momma of childerbeast 